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Are You Feeling the Squeeze?

A couple of my health issues are caused by stress. For me, it’s chronic stress. How I work, live, think, and relate to others. To do something about this, I adopted “Renew the Mind” month.

Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭2‬ came to mind, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

One translation says, “…don’t let yourselves be squeezed…” I asked myself: How am I being squeezed into the world’s patterns, and thus experiencing chronic stress?

  • My thinking
  • My habits
  • My decisions
  • My spending
  • My time use
  • What I talk about
  • What I read
  • What I watch
  • Who I’m with

Frankly, there’s more squeezing going on than I care to admit, and it’s hurting me.

The first step to renewing my mind was to clean up a bit. Garbage in, garbage out. The mind or “heart” is where our behaviors begin. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23). Cleaning up the garbage was the place to start, since that leads to other things on the list.

What specific ways am I taking in garbage, the “squeeze,” and thus, stress?

  • No social media. Deleting those apps from my phone.
  • Limited news. Also deleted their apps.
  • Limited phone use. Shocked to see how many hours, pickups, and notifications each day.
  • Turned off nearly all phone notifications. And I already don’t wear an Apple watch.
  • Reduced email clutter. Unsubscribed from all sales emails and many lists.

The bottom line of cleaning up these things is I that created new mental and emotional space to wonder, think, and relate to others. I felt a new mental freedom. I noticed my attention span increased. My thinking was clearer. I engaged better with people, probably because I could give them more of my attention. As I read the Bible, it resonated more and I found myself reflecting on God’s perspective throughout the day.

It took a couple of weeks, but I could feel the stress melting off. It’s too early to see physical signs of reducing the “squeeze”, but I’m on the right track.

What about you? How are you being squeezed? Start by spotting how your thinking and emotions are being influenced. Take out the garbage to make room for more of God’s perspective, which brings clarity and health.

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What Do You Want Me to Do for You?

As Jesus leaves Jericho, a blind man named Bartimaeus shouts above the crowd and is brought forward. Before doing anything, Jesus asks: “What do you want me to do for you?”

Wait. Jesus could see the man’s condition. He knew what he needed. But he asked anyway. He invited Bartimaeus to name his own need, in his own words, before the conversation went any further.

Asking, rather than assuming, is at the heart of what makes a coaching conversation different from an ordinary one.

Coaching is intentional. It’s not just a chat.

Every coaching conversation works toward something. And that something is determined at the beginning, not by the coach, but by the person being coached.

This is where well-meaning leaders stumble. They care deeply, so they move quickly to help. But moving quickly past the opening often means addressing something other than what the coachee actually needs.

What does beginning a coaching conversation look like?

It’s a short dialogue, five minutes or so, that surfaces what’s really going on before the conversation moves deeper.

  1. Begin by asking: Where would you like to focus our conversation today? Which usually draws out a story. 
  2. Invite them underneath the story: What’s the question you’re asking yourself here? 
  3. Draw out what’s personally at stake: What does this situation surface in you? 
  4. Help them aim the conversation: What would you like to have settled by the end of our time?
  5. Invite them to name the territory to explore: What key elements need to be explored to get there?

Without launching into advice or solutions, you’ve surfaced the real topic, the underlying need, the personal stakes, the desired outcome, and the key tensions.

That’s not small talk. That’s skilled work.

Why agreement on the goal matters.

When coachees choose the direction, they’re engaged. The goal they named is their goal, keeping ownership with them. It also gives you a reference point as the coach to maintain relevance. When the conversation drifts, you can gently ask: We said you wanted to settle X by the end of our time. Is this still taking us there?

Jesus didn’t skip the question because he already knew the answer. He asked it because Bartimaeus needed to answer it. The conversation that followed was his.

Your coaching conversations can work the same way.

The ability to start a coaching conversation well is something you build through practice and feedback. Our ICF-accredited coaching training equips you to do exactly that. If you’re ready to go deeper, explore the upcoming courses here.

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What If Your Best Help Is Asking, Not Telling?

In coaching conversations, the coach isn’t the source of insights, ideas, and solutions.

This dynamic is a large part of what separates coaching from mentoring, teaching, and consulting. Those helping functions seek to provide relevant input to people that they can act on. The trouble is, your experience and solutions are yours, not theirs. Advice that worked for you may simply not fit them.

Coaching takes a different approach. By acknowledging the unique wiring, gifting, and experience of people, we use powerful questions and active listening to prompt deep reflection, which produces new awareness, internal shifts, ideas, and workable options to try out.

Christian coaches acknowledge an even more powerful dynamic at work, the Holy Spirit.

Consider this passage, “I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow” ‭‭(1 Corinthians‬ ‭3‬:‭6‬-‭7‬ ‭NIVUK‬‬).

The Holy Spirit causes the growth. Our role is planting or watering.

I remember a conversation where I had the perfect advice ready… and stayed quiet instead. I moved from “making it grow” with my advice, instead I “planted or watered” with a few reflective questions.

The real power of coaching is getting in sync with the work God is doing in a person’s life. God is very patient and creative in how He works with us. I don’t assume I know what He’s doing in the moment. Open reflective questions and patient active listening go a long way in exploring and discerning what God might be communicating.

At the end of the conversation, it’s not about what I said or asked. It’s about what the Holy Spirit is growing. But here’s what I’ve learned: it takes skill to “plant and water.” Great questions don’t happen by accident. Coaching is a craft worth developing.

Our coaching training equips you with skills to ask those open reflective questions that get in sync with what God is already doing in the people you serve. If you’re ready to grow as a coach and deepen your impact as a Christian leader, I’d love to have you join us.

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Don’t Believe Everything You Think

We tend to believe what we think.

When we experience something, our experience, values, and beliefs shape how we interpret it. What makes perfect sense to us, however, can look entirely different to someone with different experiences and values. Our point of view is just that, our viewpoint.

While we can understand how we came to think in certain ways, that doesn’t mean we’re perceiving reality accurately or in helpful ways. And our actions will be judged not only on our perspective, but on what those around us perceive as reasonable.

This is why the Apostle Paul warned about our thinking: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5)

Taking captive every thought means examining our thinking before accepting it as true, then aligning it with God’s perspective. But how do we actually do this, both for ourselves and for those we lead?

Coaching provides tools to examine thinking deeply in safe and empathetic ways. Coaches don’t rush to judge or share their perspective. Instead, they listen empathetically and explore with reflective questions that reveal both our current perspectives and other ways of seeing things.

As a trained coach, I’ve had the privilege of helping others to examine their thinking and discover God’s perspective for themselves.

Learning coaching skills transformed not just coaching conversations, but my entire approach to leadership. Instead of assuming my perspective was right and telling people what to do all the time, I learned to ask questions that help people examine their own thinking and align it with Christ’s truth.

If you want to help others think more clearly and align their thoughts with God’s perspective, coaching training equips you to do exactly that. Consider joining me to learn advanced skills to transform your conversations.

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Activating Everyone’s Gifts

Gift projection is the idea that because we have a certain gift, strength, or ability, others should have it too. After all, when something works so well for us, it’s easy to judge those not using it as lacking.

This isn’t only a 21st Century challenge, the Apostle Paul counseled 1st Century Romans on the issue:

“For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.” Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭4‬-‭6a‬ ‭NIVUK

In my enthusiasm to help people, I can project my gifts, strengths, and abilities onto others when encouraging them to solve their problems and move forward.

My thinking was, “It’s easy. Just do it like this.” What’s easy for me isn’t easy for others—because we all have different gifts. Instead of projecting my gifts onto others, I needed to activate their gifts.

Coaching drastically changed things for me. One of the basic practices of coaching is to “draw out” rather than “put in.” By asking questions, listening, and partnering to explore, coaches draw out from the coachee their reflections, strengths, insights, ideas, and resources. We draw out their “gifts” Paul wrote about, and activate them, encouraging them to put them into practice.

We need everyone’s gifts functioning at full capacity. A coaching approach is a great way to activate everyone’s gifts.

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Weeds

Growing up, yard work was a form of punishment, with weeding reserved for the worst offenses.

I’ve heard weeding used as an analogy for spiritual formation, but it didn’t resonate with me since I hate weeding.

Last weekend, I spent several hours battling a grove of weeds that sprouted in just two weeks.

I wondered who decided that this resilient plant should be called a weed. Why not embrace it as a tenacious and beautiful plant?! But isn’t that similar to redefining bad behavior as just fine, allowing me to indulge? Or redefining hard-to-reach goals to make them easier to reach?

Determined that these multiplying plants were indeed weeds and needed removal, I attacked, but the sheer number discouraged me. More weeds showed than dirt. Could I eliminate them all?

I moved to a thinner patch and began pulling. As the ground cleared, I continued toward an area of all weeds. Progress. I cleared another large patch and began a flanking maneuver, encircling the troublesome area. After a thorny battle, I declared victory. This experience made me think about how we gradually change our behavior, achieving small wins and building toward new habits.

Shocked by realizing I’d experienced spiritual formation through weeding, I prayed for even deeper insights as I went in the house to bake chocolate chip cookies.

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Holy Spirit or a Hare-brained Scheme?

Back in college, my friend Jeff made a list of what he called my “hare-brained schemes” (meaning: wild ideas I’ve tried):

  • Panning for gold
  • Starting a surf-wear manufacturing company
  • Flying to Orcas Island in a small Cessna for a prom date
  • Driving down the West Coast with a friend, a tent, and $100 to see what was there
  • Using a sheet pan as the floor of my rusted out VW bug

Creativity and perhaps watching too many Wile E. Coyote cartoons? Pretty safe to say these were hare-brained schemes.

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Praying with Coaching Skills

Praying for people often involves a few reminders, “Lord, help her to know how much you love and care for her,” a fair amount of encouragement, “Jesus, help him to see that he’s doing his best,” and a sprinkling of advice, “God, I pray she could be bold and talk to her boss, relying on your confidence, to make her case directly.”

At a missions conference last week, I joined with others praying with coaching skills. What I heard included listening, asking, waiting, responding, and partnering – both with the Holy Spirit and the person we prayed for. It went something like this: