A couple of my health issues are caused by stress. For me, it’s chronic stress. How I work, live, think, and relate to others. To do something about this, I adopted “Renew the Mind” month.

Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭2‬ came to mind, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

One translation says, “…don’t let yourselves be squeezed…” I asked myself: How am I being squeezed into the world’s patterns, and thus experiencing chronic stress?

• My thinking
• My habits
• My decisions
• My spending
• My time use
• What I talk about
• What I read
• What I watch
• Who I’m with

Frankly, there’s more squeezing going on than I care to admit, and it’s hurting me.

The first step to renewing my mind was to clean up a bit. Garbage in, garbage out. The mind or “heart” is where our behaviors begin. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23). Cleaning up the garbage was the place to start, since that leads to other things on the list.

What specific ways am I taking in garbage, the “squeeze,” and thus, stress?

• No social media. Deleting those apps from my phone.
• Limited news. Also deleted their apps.
• Limited phone use. Shocked to see how many hours, pickups, and notifications each day.
• Turned off nearly all phone notifications. And I already don’t wear an Apple watch.
• Reduced email clutter. Unsubscribed from all sales emails and many lists.

The bottom line of cleaning up these things is I that created new mental and emotional space to wonder, think, and relate to others. I felt a new mental freedom. I noticed my attention span increased. My thinking was clearer. I engaged better with people, probably because I could give them more of my attention. As I read the Bible, it resonated more and I found myself reflecting on God’s perspective throughout the day.

It took a couple of weeks, but I could feel the stress melting off. It’s too early to see physical signs of reducing the “squeeze”, but I’m on the right track.

What about you? How are you being squeezed? Start by spotting how your thinking and emotions are being influenced. Take out the garbage to make room for more of God’s perspective, which brings clarity and health.

As Jesus leaves Jericho, a blind man named Bartimaeus shouts above the crowd and is brought forward. Before doing anything, Jesus asks: “What do you want me to do for you?”

Wait. Jesus could see the man’s condition. He knew what he needed. But he asked anyway. He invited Bartimaeus to name his own need, in his own words, before the conversation went any further.

Asking, rather than assuming, is at the heart of what makes a coaching conversation different from an ordinary one.

Coaching is intentional. It’s not just a chat.

Every coaching conversation works toward something. And that something is determined at the beginning, not by the coach, but by the person being coached.

This is where well-meaning leaders stumble. They care deeply, so they move quickly to help. But moving quickly past the opening often means addressing something other than what the coachee actually needs.

What does beginning a coaching conversation look like?

It’s a short dialogue, five minutes or so, that surfaces what’s really going on before the conversation moves deeper.

1. Begin by asking: Where would you like to focus our conversation today? Which usually draws out a story. 
2. Invite them underneath the story: What’s the question you’re asking yourself here? 
3. Draw out what’s personally at stake: What does this situation surface in you? 
4. Help them aim the conversation: What would you like to have settled by the end of our time?
5. Invite them to name the territory to explore: What key elements need to be explored to get there?

Without launching into advice or solutions, you’ve surfaced the real topic, the underlying need, the personal stakes, the desired outcome, and the key tensions.

That’s not small talk. That’s skilled work.

Why agreement on the goal matters.

When coachees choose the direction, they’re engaged. The goal they named is their goal, keeping ownership with them. It also gives you a reference point as the coach to maintain relevance. When the conversation drifts, you can gently ask: We said you wanted to settle X by the end of our time. Is this still taking us there?

Jesus didn’t skip the question because he already knew the answer. He asked it because Bartimaeus needed to answer it. The conversation that followed was his.

Your coaching conversations can work the same way.

The ability to start a coaching conversation well is something you build through practice and feedback. Our ICF-accredited coaching training equips you to do exactly that. If you’re ready to go deeper, explore the upcoming courses here.

In coaching, why is important. Why the client wants to achieve that. Why they reacted the way they did. Understanding why helps the client to change. As important as why is, I rarely use the word “why” in a question. Why? I’ll tell you.